Dilemmas of the Working Mother - Can you relate?

It is 5:30am, your eyes awaken and your mind pings with notifications of random questions: 

1. What is Charlie going to eat for breakfast?

2. Who is picking up Sarah today because I have a huge project and must stay late?

3. Okay, now back to the first question, what will Charlie wear today? I did not have time to do a full load of laundry?

4. Did I pay all of my bills today?

5. Oh no, where am I on the checklist of tasks for work?

Raise your hand or do a slight nod of the head if you are able to relate! The average day of a working mom is riddled with about 5 decisions within the first 3 minutes of being awake. Your mind may have more or less questions for each, but the point is that we are not able to wake in a relaxed state because our mind is constantly going. This is especially true for the Back to School season. But wait, before we move on to a strategy that may help you to reduce some of this stress; let’s talk about the research.

About a year ago, through my research as a PhD student in Leadership and Change Management, I learned a new term: Dual Career Responsibilities. The name itself intrigued me, and then going further into the associated research hooked me.

The original research was conducted by Rapoport and Rapoport (1969 & 1976) within the article entitled The dual career family: A variant pattern and social change. A woman with dual career responsibilities was almost seen as Taboo in the 60(s) and 70(s) but now it is seen as a must in order to survive.

The definition of Dual Career Responsibilities was thought of during a time when women had to go to work to help the family sustain life; Rapoport and Rapoport (1969) defined dual-career families as the following:

“families in which both husband and wife pursue careers (i.e. jobs which are highly salient personally, have a developmental sequence and require a high degree of commitment) and at the same time establish a family life with at least one child…” 

Modern times or not, the truth is, many women do find themselves within one or more dilemmas while having dual career responsibilities. Rapoport and Rapoport (1969) research was divided into these five dilemmas:

1. Overload Dilemma  

Refers to the balancing act between domestic and work duties. The domestic duties include managing the household, transporting children, while trying to grow a career. In the United States workforce, the overload dilemma is seen as the attempt of women to balance growth in her career and maintain domestic responsibilities.

When having a career, the woman is expected to work long hours which causes neglect in the home. This means that if she wants to pursue her career, time must be sacrificed in other areas of her life, but are still expected to play their part in a male dominated world.

2. Normative Dilemma 

The second dilemma is more interpersonal to the mother. It is experienced when a woman first becomes a mother and must decide on the commitment level to her career based on the expectations from society*. Sacrifices are always made by women as mothers, but the list becomes longer especially for a single mother when put on the spot of deciding to grow her career. There are two primary decisions: should I focus on being a mother or growing my career? The answer, for either, comes with a sense of guilt and resentment; but the decision does not need to be so black and white, it can be a rainbow of beautiful decisions. The choice is about determining what is important right here and right now. 

3. Identity Dilemma 

The identity dilemma focuses on the disconnect between societal stereotypes and interpersonal thoughts on gender roles. Rapoport and Rapoport (1976) stated that “identity dilemmas stemmed from discontinuities between internalized early experiences and current wishes” (p. 310). Some of the internalized conflicts for the woman are the feelings of not being a homemaker and possibly choosing to work long hours, to which they must find the right balance to overcome the dilemma.

4. Social Network Dilemma

This dilemma arises with non-immediate family members when expectations by the dual-career family are not met to help support the domestic responsibilities; or the non-immediate family members place unrealistic demands on the dual-career family. These disconnects between family members cause stress and conflict on the whole family. For the friends of the dual-career couple, the mother is not able to actively communicate with the friend groups of traditional families that have a husband and wife. This, at times, can cause self-doubt and an unrealistic self-perception.

5. Role-Cycling  

This focuses on the decision of when to have a child. There are two primary choices - delay or immediately.

Sometimes, it just happens. This is not a split decision nor easy to decide. A woman may feel incomplete if they do not have that perceived family unit at the right moment, but this dilemma is tied to others in that the two decisions feel restrictive. However, there is always a path forward - YOUR PATH.

Please keep in mind that this research was developed for married women. During this research, single parenting was considered taboo and not much research was conducted. However, in my exploration, I noted that the single mother’s dilemmas are exasperated. The reason is that there is no one, other than you, that can support the responsibilities.

Dilemma of a Single Mom

The overload is increased because - that’s right - only one person is managing the household and making key decisions. For the Normative dilemma there is not the alternative choice of staying home with the children full time and solely being a mother. Naturally, sacrifices are made to provide for the family; the pain in this decision is real and cannot be easily overlooked. The next one that is truly magnified is the Identity dilemma. Society tells us how we are supposed to act like women and how the perfect mother shall be measured. As a single mother, it is difficult to live up to societal views because of the stigma placed upon us. Review past blogs for those stigmas. As one can imagine, for the Social Network dilemma - well, the network may be small. When I was raising my son, I only allowed people I trust to be around my son. This meant that I was asking the same people for support. No one ever complained but I did feel a certain level of guilt. Remorse that I could not be there full time and a self-reproach that my son had someone different picking him up every evening. Not understanding, at the time, these concepts, I knew that change had to come to my world.

Are you experiencing any of these dilemmas? Does something need to change in your world to get out of your dilemma?

I bring up the dilemmas because we experience it heavily as the children return to school. As mothers, we are faced with major decisions during the day, week, and month. 

To support you in providing clarity, I want you to do one thing right now…BREATH. 

Take a deep breath in through your nose and breath out through your mouth.

Now, I want you to be mindful of where your at in life right now. Please know that there is not a wrong answer. Where you are at in life is where you are at in life.

Write it out and reflect upon the connected emotions to this current state, to where you are today. Does it bring sadness or anger? Maybe it is happiness and excitement! Once again, it is not a test and there is no wrong answer. After writing your current state, I would like for you to now create your future. 

This is where it gets interesting…

I do not want you to write the typical statement. I want you to feel your future. Follow the steps below and see what may come of your future:

1. Turn on some music - music that relaxes you and makes you feel a sense of nostalgia.

2. Take a blank sheet of paper and some color pencils, markers, crayons, or anything that writes!

3. Now, I want you to draw whatever comes to your mind. Empty your mind onto that paper until you are satisfied that you have a plan.

4. What is next? - share your plan with me via email werise@butterflyrisininginstitute.com. This will help other single mothers feel that they are not alone.

We hope that you enjoyed this month’s blog post. BRI invites you to learn more about us and our upcoming events by scheduling a call at https://calendly.com/butterflyrisinginstitute/30min. Or, just send a letter to the email address to let me know how this exercise felt to you. The focus is on you and your well being as a single mother. Without further ado, let us continue to rise.

*Research from Rapoport & Rapoport, 1976